The Real Zombies

the real zombiesI live on an island and we are very much an outdoors crowd, particularly water sports – besides swimming; I loved horse riding, kick-boxing and wrestling.  But now I find I’m pretty much a forced recluse due to the inoperable and permanent nerve damage from 2 failed surgeries, which affects my left side in a chronic-acute-neuralgic-pain-syndrome kind of way :\

I call myself a cave bear as I really am just hibernating…. or am I in a cocoon ready to show the newly morphed me?  Instead I am left with what feels like a bad experiment.  So I don’t go out much – you don’t when you deal with chronic pain – it’s exhausting.   It’s just too painful, hard, embarrassing and awkward to go out.

Anyhoo, back to the story.  I went to talk to my shrink for an hour today – she is lovely; spiritual, intuitive, and…. hold onto your hats, she does not believe in CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy).  Instead she believes in the meta-conscience, an intriguing concept and much more of a fit for me.

So I understand it’s all about identifying myself now – not who I was, but who I am now.  I am not sure of what defines me now – in all entirety.  I was absolutely convinced I had found my calling when I joined the police with the goal to help our kids.   So my faith in me is shaken and I’m finding out who I am as this other me.  I know I will get through this because this is my journey – somehow there will be some sense in all of this pain.  I was on enormous amounts of methadone in 1998 along with gabapentin, fentanyl and a dozen other medications.  I couldn’t even shower myself or brush my teeth.  For years I was a zombie until something inside me said “Kait, this is not you – this is not who you are and this is not what should define you.”  So I took a long time weaning myself off the medication and I survived when I was supposed to die, I managed to have a life when I was told my life was over.  It’s a horror story and not one I want to write but I got through that – dealt with pain on a daily basis through no help of anyone else and carved a life for myself and my son, who had lost me for nearly 5 years already.

Then I give up everything to go to get my degree in Criminology.  My son is grown up and doing his own thing.  I graduate in 2011 – start my job and slip on my front step.  Need a discectomy – it goes badly wrong and triggers old pain syndrome from lung nerve damage of 1998 into its rabid self.  I’m in the high dependency unit again – major drugs.  I begged everyone around me that if anything should happen they are not to put me on that poisonous methadone.  They put me on morphine instead and so the hell has rolled on for the past two years with no positive outcomes.  There has been a barrage of medications again and I don’t want to have to take them.  Sometimes I feel like a failure when I have to succumb because I am in so much pain  but I don’t know what else to do.  And the knives I put in my own back become innumerable in this too.

So yeah – I use self-hypnosis and breathing techniques – I do my best not to take medication.  It dumbs me down and kills any motivation toward anything.  It kills you on the inside too so you don’t have any spirit to feel human any more or to fight for a life – it consumes you in a rolled up carpet, a dark cupboard and deaf/mute existence.  I see so many people who are left dependent on heavy medication and with no existence – these are the true zombies of the world.  These are the walking dead, the emotionally unfeeling, uncaring and unknowing.  It’s almost a way of keeping things quiet….Don’t let them get you 😉

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13 thoughts on “The Real Zombies

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  2. Thank you for sharing, once again, Kait it’s never easy to pick up the pieces of a broken body. Painkillers only go so far, I tried going without but the pain wasn’t managed and crippled me completely. I’ve had 2 discectomies and put on so much weight after stopping smoking the only thing which keeps me going is the opiates. I try to take them morning and night only as they do turn your brain to mush and, hopefully, I will be able soon to only take two at night just so I can sleep. Coming off these is harder than you think because you never realise how hooked you are until you depend on them totally.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes I know that feeling! Look it seems that I’ve done this withdrawal and weaning myself off these drugs so many times since 1998 (first medical mishap) and was drug free for many years but falling in 2013 triggered all sorts of drama up and left me in a really bad place. Again I weaned myself off of the Gabapentin, emeselon, severadol, tramadol, and methadone 120mgs a day, fluoxitine – everything you can think of – I weaned myself off with no help from anyone else. And now I’ve been on and off so many different types of medication I don’t know anymore…On pregabalin (max dose 600mg) and morphine and sleeping pills(Quetapel which is actually a serious anti-psychotic but has been found to help sleep) plus severadol if I need it – but a walking pharmacy and I really hate taking meds so have fought with the doctors for so long against the meds but realise that this time around and with it being my spinal chord as well now (another medical mishap) I have a chronic acute neurological pain syndrome and hypersensitivity from all the nerve damage done during surgery – I’ve decided, under duress and at the will of my trusted family I am taking these handfuls of pills everyday and can’t believe I can string two sentences together!! Mind you, it’s been 3 weeks on this new stuff so I will wait and see what happens next! I totally understand what you’re going through my friend and sympathise entirely! Take care Dave 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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